Tess: Videos, Jokes, Tour Dates, Biography and more

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Let's see my life is so fascinating that I don't even know where to begin. Ok how about here, I was born in Meridian Mississippi but was raised in Sandusky, Ohio. I am the youngest of four children (two boys and two girls). I was raised by a single mother, I'm pretty sure that's where I get my strong nature. I hate to sound so typical but I as the class clown and the recipient of several detention slips. Now when I look back on those days the damn teachers just didn't understand what future star they had in their midst. They should have let me explore my creative side instead of stifling it with rules and regulations. Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do.

Ok, at the age of 18 I was very content with working at McDonald's and after all I was a swing manager. That position carried a lot of clout you know, I kept feeling the call of California. So I packed up my stuff and headed out to BeverLee. Well first I made a little pit stop in the Bay Area, Oakland to be exact. Wherein I did something really crazy, I got married. Well that lasted about 90 days and off to divorce court I went skipping all the way. By now its 1997 and after all that hoop la, I decided to start my comedy career because I had a lot of stuff to say and somebody was going to listen damnit!

So now it's 1999 and I decided to move to Los Angeles where I have been able to put my career into motion. I have been totally blessed with the things I have been able to achieve here in... [MORE] Let's see my life is so fascinating that I don't even know where to begin. Ok how about here, I was born in Meridian Mississippi but was raised in Sandusky, Ohio. I am the youngest of four children (two boys and two girls). I was raised by a single mother, I'm pretty sure that's where I get my strong nature. I hate to sound so typical but I as the class clown and the recipient of several detention slips. Now when I look back on those days the damn teachers just didn't understand what future star they had in their midst. They should have let me explore my creative side instead of stifling it with rules and regulations. Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do.

Ok, at the age of 18 I was very content with working at McDonald's and after all I was a swing manager. That position carried a lot of clout you know, I kept feeling the call of California. So I packed up my stuff and headed out to BeverLee. Well first I made a little pit stop in the Bay Area, Oakland to be exact. Wherein I did something really crazy, I got married. Well that lasted about 90 days and off to divorce court I went skipping all the way. By now its 1997 and after all that hoop la, I decided to start my comedy career because I had a lot of stuff to say and somebody was going to listen damnit!

So now it's 1999 and I decided to move to Los Angeles where I have been able to put my career into motion. I have been totally blessed with the things I have been able to achieve here in LA. I was invited to participate in one of the most prestigious Comedy Festivals there, it is for comedians in the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado. I followed that up with a guest star showcase on NBC's "Late Friday's."

My career goals are to star in my own sitcom totally written about me and for me. I think that we need some real comedy on television. Enough of all these little skinny bitch's switching across the TV with boney legs and long fingers talking about "I'm sexy."

I believe that it's time for the big girls to shine and we will inherit the earth. [LESS]

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Craig Shoemaker@ 5 yr olds soccer. 1st 10mins coaches argue which side of field 2 stand. "Home team is on the west." "This IS west." Anybody got a compass?5:09 PM Today

Matt BraungerSo great. RT @rikilindhome Him: "I'm funny. Do u think I'm funny? I mean, u at least think I'm funnier than you...right?" Me: "Right."5:04 PM Today

robert kellyDreaming in Calgary . Show tonight - come to merch booth after show and say hi- (pic) http://znl.me/H0PSP4:51 PM Today

Matt BraungerDon't tell me, tell Karl! RT @Dalewild @Braunger Revenge means emotional involvement, & you only have so much of that until you die.4:46 PM Today

Matt BraungerI don't know what I'll yell when the zombie apocalypse happens, but it really shouldn't be "Man alive!"4:30 PM Today

Matt BraungerHoly crap! RT @dirtypreston RT @Karl_Lagerfeld: Forgiveness is too easy. I can forget by indifference, but not forgive. I prefer revenge.4:25 PM Today

Aziz AnsariJust pitched Tommy Bahama my idea for a maternity line - Mommy Bahama - meeting did not go well.4:12 PM Today

Doug BensonTHE BLIND SIDE - Finally, a showcase for Sandra Bullock's tits. #eightwordsorless #ilovemovies3:45 PM Today

Paul ScheerThe best way to waste a Saturday, u will not be disappointed. Elf Yourself NOW! http://bit.ly/1c2flO3:44 PM Today

Matt BraungerHe just chopped off his own fingers! Damn it, "Escape From Alcatraz"! I'm hungover and you should have warned me!3:24 PM Today