Kyle Cease

"The original Nintendo was the best system ever. It's the only system that, if it didn't work, you could fix it by blowing into it all day."

Kyle Cease - Working the Hole

Jeff Dunham

"If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?"

Jeff Dunham - Christmas Carols

Dan Cummins

"I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance... by fleeing the scene of the accident."

Dan Cummins - Cockadoodle

Doug Benson

"In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'"

Doug Benson - The Marijuana-Logues

Tammy Pescatelli

"I don't care how scrappy you are, you can't block a d**k punch."

Tammy Pescatelli - What the Hell is Wrong With You?

Lisa Landry

"I would do anything to make my husband happy -- except cook or clean or shut the f**k up."

Lisa Landry - Makeover Shows

Josh Sneed

"Flea markets. Where else can you pick up Jagermeister, fireworks and a cold sore?"

Josh Sneed - Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Oven

Loni Love

"Jesus was black. John, Chapter 13, Verse 19: They asked him, 'Are you the son of God?' He said, 'I be he.' That was Ebonics."

Loni Love - Oprah Winfrey

Jo Koy

"I get the worst compliments all the time. 'Oh you're Asian? I love orange chicken.'"

Jo Koy - Crying for Sex

Mitch Fatel

"I love having a penis. Having a penis is kinda like having a friend that always wants to play."

Mitch Fatel - Infamous

Dane Cook

"In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds."

Dane Cook - Flute Guy

Andrew Kennedy

"We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Everything you were playing with was made here, right here."

Andrew Kennedy - Genetics

Jeremy Hotz

"Losing the hair on my head, getting new hair right above my ass at the crack -- what the hell kind of tradeoff is that?"

Jeremy Hotz - The Chevette

Mitch Hedberg

"I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."

Mitch Hedberg - Blocking the Fire Exit

Stephen Lynch

"Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus / I think that's why your mommy left us."

Stephen Lynch - Beelz

Robert Kelly

"I'm officially fat, too. I have tits. I was having dinner with a buddy of mine -- I actually caught him staring at my tits."

Robert Kelly - Applebee's

Bill Burr

"A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring."

Bill Burr - MTV Cribs

Rich Vos

"I liked Amsterdam. I spent $2,000 window shopping."

Rich Vos - Heart-Shaped Tub

Louis C.K.

"You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people -- I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat."

Louis C.K. - Embarrassing Situations

Kirk Fox

"Listen: my moustache is gay. I'm not."

Kirk Fox - Mount Everest