My buddy tells me the best way to lose weight: don't eat after
7:00. Well, that's good if you go to bed after 'Jeopardy.'
Posted: 12/08/2002
One good thing about food poisoning, you look like you're in
shape for the next three days. You're all dehydrated. 'Hey, I'm ripped. I'm cut up.'
Posted: 12/08/2002
I'm Catholic, so I had to go to Pre-Cana class before I got
married. That's when I had to go to a Catholic priest, and he was going to tell me how...
Posted: 12/08/2002
These phones don't even ring anymore. They play the National
Anthem. I'm on the bus yesterday, this guy's phone rang like three times. Half of us...
Posted: 12/08/2002
The Gillette company offered ZZ Top, the rock group, $6 million
bucks to shave their beards on a national TV commercial, and they turned it down....
Posted: 05/09/2002
Anybody believe your health is more important than money? Not
in this country. No, no, ladies, I don't see too many beautiful women going, 'Gee,...
Posted: 05/09/2002
People are surprised we have a gun problem. How do you think we
got the country in the first place -- in a slap fight? Come on. What did we do,...
Posted: 05/09/2002
Miami's an interesting city, isn't it? You get old Jewish
people and dead German tourists. Think there's a connection? Somebody's holding a grudge.
Posted: 05/09/2002
Florida -- the murder capital of the world -- they have the
balls to call it the Sunshine State. The only sunshine you see is coming through the...
Posted: 05/09/2002
They sleep anywhere. How do they do it? I've got a $2,000
waterbed at home, I toss and turn all night. These people are like, 'What's that, a...
Posted: 05/09/2002