Margaret Smith is a puzzle. Her dry, deadpan delivery belies the bitingly funny but dark comic within, and her unassuming onstage presence makes it hard to believe that she is one of America's top comics. But she is, and deservedly so.
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What's the thought process behind deciding to get your labia pierced?
Margaret went shopping twice: once to get the blouse, once to take it back.
Margaret got tired of holding her head up.
Trying to conceive was much cheaper in college.
Margaret is dating a bowler.
Margaret wears 100% cotton underwear so she can breathe.
Margaret dates guys she thinks she can take in a fight.
Women are piercing everything now.
Some guys work out too much.
Mammograms are great if you're looking for dorsal fins.
I became a mom myself for the first time. I actually adopted a
baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.
My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I
said, 'Well, I can't get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.'
Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seatbelt
was something that got in the way. I'd be like, 'Ma, this seatbelt's digging into my...
You don't know what love is 'til you become a parent. You don't
know what love is 'til you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to...
I don't like hairy guys, though. I tried it. I dated a little,
hairy guy once. He'd take a bath at my house -- it looked like the sewer backed up.
I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God
I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and...
I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes.
She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are...
Do you ever get in debt? Do you know they call you? One guy
called me every day last week. Finally I said, 'Look, every month I put everyone I owe...
I saw a truck out here today. On the side of the door, it said,
'Driver has no cash.' I'm broke too. I don't plaster it all over the side of my car.
I put a new pair of underwear on, I feel like a million bucks.
I buy the Jockey ones because they're 100% cotton. You can breathe. You don't buy...