People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It's not a
compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her,...
Posted: 12/03/2000
The best part about losing weight is you get to upgrade your
underwear. A couple of months ago, one of my girlfriends is kind of looking at me...
Posted: 12/03/2000
I grabbed a pair of pantyhose the other day -- ladies, you can
relate -- something happened, and I had no crotch expansion all day. The women are...
Posted: 12/03/2000
I grab a bra that must have been from grade school 'cause I had
quatro-boob all day. Again, the women giggle, and the men look at me. 'Quatro?...
Posted: 12/03/2000
I've been really cranky 'cause I'm on a diet. Here's the thing:
I'm OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to...
Posted: 04/28/2005
She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes.
What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That's...
Posted: 04/28/2005
Homeless guy asks for a dollar, and I said no because I was in
a hurry or something, and as I was walking away, he was like, 'You've got a fat ass,...
Posted: 04/28/2005
They expect you to be knowledgeable, don't they, in the
bedroom? I dated a guy -- I'm not making this up -- he literally said to me once, 'Teach me...
Posted: 04/28/2005
You know what I like about dating younger guys? They follow
rules really well. Like you can tell a younger guy, 'Look, sex with me is like taking...
Posted: 04/28/2005
Manhattan children are like weird, uppity little pod children.
Did you ever notice that? They're like a little too sophisticated, a little snotty....
Posted: 04/28/2005