I read a story about a dog that was in the same tornado as me.
I felt bad for this dog, because the dog got picked up by the tornado and thrown 125...
Posted: 12/03/2000
You ever go on the Internet, get all liquored up and take
pictures of your balls and send them to people? That is the information superhighway,...
Posted: 12/03/2000
I got a huge head, one of the bigger heads you'll see on the
show tonight. I know it's a big head because every time I'm in a picture, it always...
Posted: 12/03/2000
A hurricane you can watch come at you for a week on the TV, and
you don't get out of the way. A tornado -- you're just in a trailer making meth;...
Posted: 03/29/2007
I was there for the Kentucky Derby. It sounds fantastic, but it
isn't. It's two minutes, and then you're drunk with a bunch of hillbillies.
Posted: 03/29/2007
The other day in China, a lady had a baby with three arms. Oh
my God! They're always one step ahead of us. He's probably making shoes and toys...
Posted: 03/29/2007
How sh*tty of a boyfriend do you have to be to get dumped by a
chick with four kids? Hello -- she's not a catch.
Posted: 03/29/2007
Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a
guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room.
Posted: 03/29/2007
One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit
in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear...
Posted: 03/29/2007
I just get in my elevator one day: there is Spider-Man. I'm
like, 'Well, you've gotten a little lazy, haven't you? Remember the old days when you'd...
Posted: 03/29/2007