A hurricane you can watch come at you for a week on the TV, and
you don't get out of the way. A tornado -- you're just in a trailer making meth;...
Posted: 03/29/2007
I was there for the Kentucky Derby. It sounds fantastic, but it
isn't. It's two minutes, and then you're drunk with a bunch of hillbillies.
Posted: 03/29/2007
The other day in China, a lady had a baby with three arms. Oh
my God! They're always one step ahead of us. He's probably making shoes and toys...
Posted: 03/29/2007
How sh*tty of a boyfriend do you have to be to get dumped by a
chick with four kids? Hello -- she's not a catch.
Posted: 03/29/2007
Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a
guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room.
Posted: 03/29/2007
One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit
in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear...
Posted: 03/29/2007
I just get in my elevator one day: there is Spider-Man. I'm
like, 'Well, you've gotten a little lazy, haven't you? Remember the old days when you'd...
Posted: 03/29/2007
When I'm getting my ass kicked, I lift up the guy's shirt and
start blowing on his belly. Guys do not know how to respond to that at all 'cause...
Posted: 03/29/2007
That's what I call my penis, 'the roll of nickels,' 'cause if
you put it in your mouth, it tastes funny.
Posted: 03/29/2007
He's got one ball. He's more aerodynamic. He just puts it on
the bar and goes for it. Everybody else has got mud flaps... Meanwhile, here comes...
Posted: 03/29/2007