I suck at math. If you suck at math, you can't get a cool job
later on in life. That's a big reason I'm a comic is because I suck at math. If it...
Posted: 10/04/2001
If I ever have to get another job, and I know I have to get
fired that day, that day I'm going to go to work with a pocketful of glitter. And when...
Posted: 10/04/2001
Nelly's pretty cool. He's got this one song where he talks
about how hot it is and how this girl should just take her clothes off. But then the...
Posted: 02/19/2004
One of my biggest hobbies? I like to rush to judgment.
Posted: 02/19/2004
You ever just stop going to a job? You don't even quit; you
just stop showing up one day. I've done that a lot. I'm probably still on a couple of...
Posted: 02/19/2004
I hate magicians, and you know why? They're never prepared,
that's why. They always need something from the audience. I'm like, 'You knew you were...
Posted: 02/19/2004
My first impression of the current conflict between the
Israelis and Palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'
Posted: 02/19/2004
I had a horrible set of encyclopedias growing up. My parents
didn't want to get new ones, so they got my grandma's old ones. A-Z was covered in two...
Posted: 11/10/2004