Why does the U.S. Army advertise on television? There's no
other armies.
Posted: 05/24/1993
We have one electric company in New York City. They're called
Con Edison. They're our only electric company, yet they advertise on television. What...
Posted: 06/12/2003
Every New Yorker makes the same mistake: we take a 10-day
vacation. It's the worst thing we could ever do. You take a four-day vacation. If you get...
Posted: 06/12/2003
You go to Colorado -- some antithesis place, some beautiful
place -- you always see the New Yorkers at the airport. The whole family's dressed in...
Posted: 06/12/2003
The post office advertises stamps on television -- stamps! We
have commercials that actually go, 'Buy U.S. postage stamps.' Alright, now maybe it's...
Posted: 06/12/2003
My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them
under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.
Posted: 06/12/2003
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their
lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah?...
Posted: 06/12/2003
Your name's not Dickard; your name is Richard. There's no
reason to give yourself a phallic name. There's no reason. You have so many choices: you...
Posted: 06/12/2003
You can tell that he's drunk. You know how? His name is Edward
Kennedy, yet he calls himself Teddy. He's so hammered, he thinks his name is Theodore.
Posted: 06/12/2003
Religious leaders have been confusing us lately. Religious
leaders tell us if we do good things, you go to Heaven. And then some of them do bad...
Posted: 06/12/2003