If I was in charge of the weather and I wanted to get it right,
you hire people with arthritis to do the weather because they know in advance when...
Posted: 10/30/2008
Why does the U.S. Army advertise on television? There's no
other armies.
Posted: 11/03/2008
Religious leaders have been confusing us lately. Religious
leaders tell us if we do good things, you go to Heaven. And then some of them do bad...
Posted: 10/30/2008
My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them
under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.
Posted: 10/30/2008
They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their
lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah?...
Posted: 10/30/2008
Your name's not Dickard; your name is Richard. There's no
reason to give yourself a phallic name. There's no reason. You have so many choices: you...
Posted: 10/30/2008
You can tell that he's drunk. You know how? His name is Edward
Kennedy, yet he calls himself Teddy. He's so hammered, he thinks his name is Theodore.
Posted: 10/30/2008
Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals.
And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl...
Posted: 10/30/2008
Here's another one: 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had
a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes...
Posted: 10/30/2008
The post office advertises stamps on television -- stamps! We
have commercials that actually go, 'Buy U.S. postage stamps.' Alright, now maybe it's...
Posted: 10/30/2008