He blows that pistol off, and you're running. Oh, you're waving
-- 'Look at me, I'm running a marathon!' Oh and it's great. It is exciting! It is...
Posted: 10/30/2008
When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone
would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a...
Posted: 10/30/2008
Everything is messed up. The air travel -- you know that's
messed up. Remember the good old days? You roll up curbside, check a box of grenades --...
Posted: 10/30/2008
Every year, I go home, and I always go back to my old
neighborhood and walk around. Everybody's standing on the street corners holdin' their nuts....
Posted: 10/30/2008
I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great
men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin' what would have happened. Like...
Posted: 10/30/2008
My toughest year was my freshman year. You're new. I couldn't
get one date, not one date, the entire freshman year. I could not get one date. I...
Posted: 10/30/2008
All of my relatives got old in one day. I came back this past
year, everybody looks the same: they're all fat, bald, with a mustache. Men, women,...
Posted: 10/30/2008
I still believe in love. Actually, my friends say I love too
much, because I did. I put my ex-wife on a pedestal. I thought the sun rose and set in...
Posted: 10/30/2008
All we do is have sex: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex
-- until you're chafed, raw, swollen, bloody, scabby! And what do we do? We have more...
Posted: 10/30/2008
I married a perfectly good whore -- ruined her with love and
matrimony.
Posted: 10/30/2008